


my heart is nuclear (love is all that I fear)

by flashlightinacave



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Eventual Romance, F/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave
Summary: She doesn’t quite have a clear picture in mind of her future boyfriend, but she does know one thing, whoever she dates and subsequently falls in love with will be the exact opposite of Ben Gross.Ben is her enemy, the person she loathes more than anyone and her boyfriend should be someone she loves more than anyone, so contrasting the two is absolutely sensible in Devi’s eyes.Where Ben is egotistical and annoying, her ideal boyfriend will be modest and agreeable. Where Ben is always trying to outcompete her for first place, her ideal boyfriend will happily accept her academic superiority. Where Ben is scrawny and thin, her ideal boyfriend will be jacked.(Except for the colour of his eyes, Devi thinks. As little as she ever wants to admit it, Ben does have gorgeous eyes, azure blue like the sun’s light waves scattered across the sky, but that is as far as similarities between her dream man and her enemy will extend.)or; 5 times Devi wished she was dating someone (and observed the relationships around her), and 1 time she actually was
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 30
Kudos: 183





	my heart is nuclear (love is all that I fear)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magnetichearts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetichearts/gifts).



> My lack of self-control continues, with my 5th published Devi/Ben fic!! I had such a fun time writing this one and it really let me get into Devi's head, which I quite enjoyed. She's just such an interesting yet relatable character and I adore her. This wasn't supposed to be as long as it is, but I suppose I have developed zero word count control WHOOPS!
> 
> The title of this one is from the Marina and the Diamonds song "Radioactive"
> 
> Also, happy surprise Bhargavi (magnetichearts)!! You helped me so, so much throughout the writing process of this fic, which I am endlessly appreciative of, so I thought I'd gift it to you!! All of you should read all of her AMAZING Devi/Ben fics (she's published 3!!) and follow her on Tumblr at @parkersedith
> 
> Also, follow me on Tumblr at @montygreen and follow my new sideblog @neverhaveievergiffed for tons of Never Have I Ever content!!

1.

13-year-old Devi Vishwakumar makes a habit of observing her parents. 

It’s under the orders of her mother that she learn how to do various household chores and Devi knows that watching people is second best to practice. (This is because of mirror neurons, she learned in school, and they’re the main reason scientists think humans are so capable of learning through watching someone else act. She remembers that lesson fondly because it was right after they’d gotten back a math test on which she scored half a point higher than Ben, but that’s beside the point.)

Today, her parents are doing the dishes together, something 13-year-old Devi knows how to do and is very capable of (she is, however, NOT allowed to use the dishwasher), yet still, she watches. Her father does the rinsing and a preliminary wash, lathering up their favourite brand of lavender-scented dish soap with a sponge, and her mother takes the dishes and places them in the dishwasher. They work perfectly together, like two intertwined gears of a well-oiled machine. They depend on another, and without one the other and the entire process would grind to a halt. (Devi knows she’s overromanticizing like hell right now, it is _just_ washing dishes, but there’s something uniquely wonderful about watching her parents work together in a domestic setting.) 

A few minutes in, her father accidentally splashes a dollop of dish soap on her mother’s nose and her mother scowls, but Devi can tell it’s not out of malice. She watches her father swipe the drop of soap off her mother’s nose and flash a special bashful grin that he only ever gives her. Her mother smiles back and Devi realizes it’s in moments of domestic bliss between her parents that her mother is happiest.

Devi has been raised on Bollywood films and has watched a copious number of romcoms, so she knows what love looks like, but the silver screen always seems to pale in comparison to the love she sees every day, radiating from her parents.

That night, she and her father play ping pong, a weekly tradition for them. She serves the ball to him. “How did you fall in love with mom?”

Her father misses her serve, the ball bouncing once on the table before hitting their garage floor. Clearly she’s thrown him off his game. 

Devi watches her father’s face and studies his reaction. At first he looks a bit confused, as if taken aback by the question, but then his confusion melts into a soft smile.

“Well,” he bends down to pick up the wayward ball and places it back on the table. “Though our marriage may have been arranged, when I met your mother I just… knew.”

Devi twirls her paddle in her hand. “How so?”

“Your mother was,” her father clicks his tongue and sets his paddle down on the table next to the ball, “we immediately had a lot in common, but she was also passionate and fiery and she continues to keep me on my toes.” He laughs warmly. “I don’t know how I knew, I just knew.”

It’s certainly not the answer Devi expects or is looking for, but with the way her father is smiling right now, she knows it’s nothing short of the absolute truth.

At 13-years-old, the idea of a boyfriend and love are nearly synonymous and Devi often finds herself daydreaming about her ideal partner. She’s pretty prone to crushes, obsessing over whoever the hottest person in their grade is, but dropping them upon developing feelings for someone new. She doesn’t quite have a clear picture in mind of her future boyfriend, but she does know one thing, whoever she dates and subsequently falls in love with will be the exact opposite of Ben Gross.

Ben is her enemy, the person she loathes more than anyone and her boyfriend should be someone she loves more than anyone, so contrasting the two is absolutely sensible in Devi’s eyes.

Where Ben is egotistical and annoying, her ideal boyfriend will be modest and agreeable. Where Ben is always trying to outcompete her for first place, her ideal boyfriend will happily accept her academic superiority. Where Ben is scrawny and thin, her ideal boyfriend will be jacked.

(Except for the colour of his eyes, Devi thinks. As little as she ever wants to admit it, Ben does have gorgeous eyes, azure blue like the sun’s light waves scattered across the sky, but that is as far as similarities between her dream man and her enemy will extend.)

* * *

2.

How dare Eleanor not tell Devi she has a boyfriend? How dare she? And how dare she tell Fabiola and not her?

They are supposed to be — not supposed to be, _are_ — best friends and best friends tell each other everything, right? That’s the way it works! That’s the way it’s supposed to work!

Devi knows she’s overreacting, knows Eleanor kept this from her only with her best interests at heart, but goddamn it, it feels like a horrific betrayal. It’s as though her friends have dug a knife into her back or heart or some other vital body part.

When Devi is angry, logic and rationale fly out the window and she becomes exclusively composed of her dangerously impassioned emotions. There’s no thinking or reasoning with her. She’s like a volatile chemical reaction, once the proper (or rather improper, granted the result is as catastrophic as her anger) reagents are added in, an explosion is inevitable. This particular explosion manifests itself as her geometry textbook hurled out the window, shattering the glass.

Her mother and Kamala are standing in the room seconds later and her mother is yelling. As deserving as of her mother’s anger as Devi knows she is, she’s still so enraged, the entire conversation flies over her head.

She knows Eleanor and Fabiola are both trying to protect her, she’d been through something tragic and they just wanted to make things easier on her in every way they could. But Devi hates the idea that she needs to be protected. She hates that just because her dad died and she lost the ability to walk for three months, that she deserves to be treated differently. Everyone has treated her differently since her father’s death. (Except for Ben. He is the only one who hasn’t treated her differently, she realizes, he’s been the same thorn in her side, pain in her ass, he’d always been.)

Perhaps what hurts most, and what is ironically also most superficial, is the idea that everyone she knows has a boyfriend or girlfriend but her. Eleanor has Oliver, Fabiola seems to be hitting it off with Alex Gomez, and even her goddamn nemesis has Shira. Devi’s always been a hopeless romantic, devouring trashy novels and romcoms, pouring her heart and soul into cheesy fanfiction. Her view of romance may be slightly jaded and cynical, but she’s a romantic nonetheless. She’s always, always wanted a boyfriend and her ability to develop a crush on someone at the drop of hat only intensifies this feeling. Deep down, Devi’s biggest fear is that no one wants her, that no one will ever want her, that she’ll always just be the weird Indian girl with a sob story who no one will ever date.

But it’s because she has no romantic love in her life, Devi realizes she needs her best friends more than ever. She knows their intentions are pure and although their secret backfired terribly, she knows they did it because they love her. (It doesn’t help that Devi feels guilty knowing Eleanor must be a wreck over this too.)

Her anger having finally boiled over, Devi decides she needs to forgive her friends, especially now, when she feels she needs their love more than ever.

The next morning, Devi stands at her locker, watching Eleanor. She is standing with Oliver and Devi doesn't know if she’s just been oblivious or if they’re more public about their relationship following her discovery of it yesterday.

“How do those two work?”

Devi spins around to notice Ben standing at his locker, also looking in the direction of Eleanor and Oliver. She doesn’t speak, which for some absurd reason, he takes as an invitation to continue talking. “I mean, she’s an ostentatious actress and he’s a meek member of the tech crew.”

Devi shrugs her shoulders. “Opposites attract,” she says, hoping it’s enough to shut Ben up as she turns back to gather her things for class.

“Not me and Shira,” Ben replies and Devi both internally and externally groans at the fact that they're still having this conversation. She regretfully turns back to face Ben. “Shira and I are both hot and successful,” he brags before giving his patented stupidly infuriating smirk.

There is no response Devi can think of but an eye roll. _God, he is so annoying._

“And David,” Ben says in a slightly condescending tone, “you should know that the concept of opposites attract is dumb. It’s been scientifically proven that we tend to seek out individuals with whom we have more in common. People who are more like us understand us better and understanding is a key component of a relationship. I do know that’s not something you can completely understand, however.”

Devi turns away from Ben and looks at Paxton. He’s standing by his locker laughing with another girl and Devi feels a twinge of possessive jealousy. It makes no sense at all, the rational part of her brain reminds her, considering Paxton doesn’t even know who she is. 

Ben is wrong, Devi decides, he must have read some incorrect, improperly backed, preliminary at best scientific study. Because there is no one more fundamentally different from her than Paxton and she knows that he is exactly who she wants. (Granted, she doesn’t know Paxton well at all, but the few things she does know about him are polar opposites to her personality. Oddly enough, the person she has the most in common with is Ben. But sharing so much in common is what makes them the perfect rivals and that’s what gives him the infuriating ability to push all of her buttons.)

“Ben,” she says turning back to him, “shut up and leave me alone.”

Devi doesn’t even wait for his reaction, she simply shuts her locker and makes her way to class.

* * *

3.

Paxton has completely and utterly friend-zoned her. But in all honesty, being friends with Paxton is more than Devi expected after he turned down her proposition.

But friends are a step further than not friends, so Devi takes the win. He’d even followed her Instagram and liked some of her posts to solidify it.

Even as friends however, Devi thinks to herself as she stares at Paxton who is standing at his locker, he is a complete and utter mystery to her. Paxton has been full of surprises lately, he’d apologized for overreacting about her befriending Rebecca, he’d taken her to the hospital after she was bitten by a coyote at Trent’s party, he’s an enigma and not one she quite knows how to crack. Paxton is hot, but she never expected him to be kind, which means Devi doesn’t know what to expect anymore.

But she’s liked Paxton forever, right? He’s her ideal guy, she’d be his ideal girl, and Devi is certain they’d be perfect together. They’d be a power couple to rule over Sherman Oaks High. He might not be the love of her life, yet, but she would make him, because Devi Vishwakumar is nothing if not someone who makes things happen.

(Her therapist’s words echo in her head, the idea that she might not be emotionally stable enough to be a good girlfriend. Does she want Paxton to be the love of her life? Would she even be good to him if they were dating? Is she emotionally ready for a relationship with someone? Would she be able to open herself up and bear her soul to someone who would inevitably leave her? Because here’s the truth, Devi has realized there is a huge difference between love and having a boyfriend. While the two sometimes coexist, they often don’t. She’s watched relationships around her and she knows they are messy and scary and have repercussions and can sometimes cause more harm than good, especially if one party isn’t emotionally available. She doesn’t like thinking about this so she does what she usually does, she shoves it down.)

She realizes she’s spent her entire crush on Paxton treating him like an object, but only recently has she gotten to know him as a person. And now that she wants Paxton the person, rather than Paxton the object, the persona, the subject of 3 fan Tumblrs, that should give her a leg up on basically every other girl, shouldn’t it?

For God’s sake, all of the trashy romance novels she loves to read objectify men every twenty pages! It’s a guilty pleasure of hers and even she’ll admit they don’t set the BEST standard for a romantic relationship. She regrets objectifying Paxton, because behind his six-pack, perfectly toned muscles, and chiselled jawline — _Devi, stop it, you’re doing it again_ — he is a real human being with real human feelings. Objectification is no basis for friendship and certainly no basis for a romantic relationship.

Devi knows that she lives in a society where attractiveness is unfortunately tied to value as a person and knows she’s as guilty of perpetuating this as anyone. But she knows she can do better, she should do better, and Paxton deserves to be treated like a person rather than just a body. It’s the same way she wants people to recognize her for her merits, not just as the girl who lost her dad and — for 3 months — use of her legs.

A voice breaks through her thoughts. “Man, David, I thought you were at least good enough to keep up with me, but you’re just like the rest of them, falling for that kid.”

Devi whips around to see Ben Gross, leaning against his locker, his arms crossed over his chest. She has the strange feeling that he’s been standing there watching her, that uneasy feeling quickly transforming into annoyance. “First of all, don’t insult other girls,” Devi starts, counting out her points on her fingers, “secondly, he’s Paxton, he’s hot and you don’t know anything about us, Gross.”

“But do you know anything about him?” Ben asks, raising an eyebrow.

Devi hates that Ben knows her so well. He seems to have this way of getting into her head and it is aggravating. Somehow one pathetic argument from her and he has already figured out exactly what is bothering her. “I do know stuff about Paxton, he’s nicer and hotter than you could ever dream of being!”

Ben laughs and it’s goddamn infuriating and Devi just wants to stomp her foot and storm away from him, but she doesn’t, she holds her ground.

“David, usually you can come up with a better comeback than whatever that was,” he retorts before his expression shifts to one of concern, “clearly something is wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Devi snaps, because goddamnit the very last person on Earth she wants to be vulnerable in front of is her nemesis.

Ben shakes his head. “You are the absolute worst liar, David.”

“Just leave me alone.” Devi opens her locker and gathers her books, shoving them into her bag. 

She hears Ben shut his locker and looks up to see he’s standing closer now. “It’s not fun sparring with you when you don’t say anything back. Seriously, what’s wrong?”

Devi sighs and takes a deep breath, glancing up at Ben. “Ben, what kind of girlfriend is Shira… to you?”

She watches Ben’s mouth fall open in slight confusion before he simply responds, “hot,” a smug smirk on his face. Devi frowns at him, her expression of a muddle of annoyance and sadness. Of course he’s not going to say anything useful or valuable. 

But then Ben continues talking and his response catches her off guard.

“Not a great one honestly,” he admits, “the purpose of having a girlfriend is having someone you can talk to. That’s never been easy for us because Shira and I have so little in common.”

Devi rolls her eyes, the action more playful than sarcastic. “Besides being vapid and annoying.”

“Hey!” Ben exclaims, “I’m trying to help you out here.” He frowns slightly at her. “You don’t usually care about me and Shira and this is the second time you’ve asked about us in the past month.” He focuses his gaze on her intently, eyes filled with concern. “What’s really going on?”

Devi sighs, partly unable to believe she’s admitting this here and now, and more importantly, to whom she's admitting it. “ImworriedIdmakeabadgirlfriend.” 

“What was that?” Ben asks, tilting his head to the side.

“I’m worried I’d make a bad girlfriend,” Devi repeats, this time more clearly.

Ben laughs again, this time not in mockery, but amusement. “Devi, that’s ridiculous.” He smiles at her softly. “When you find someone who you share enough in common with to want to be in a relationship, you’ll be the perfect girlfriend. If you don’t drive him away by trying to beat him all the time” 

“Unlike you, my boyfriend will accept my intellectual superiority,” Devi shoots back.

“Don’t be too confident David,” Ben retorts. “But who knows, considering how little we know about him, maybe your perfect person really is Paxton.”

“Thanks,” Devi says with a smile. “You’re actually kind of decent and give okay advice, Gross,” Devi says, shutting her locker, “who knew?”

“Hey, I did!”

Devi rolls her eyes, impishly swats Ben’s arm, and makes her way over to Fabiola and Eleanor.

* * *

4.

No matter how hard she tries, Devi cannot shut off her brain and fall asleep. Her mind is spinning, like a chaotic, tumultuous whirlpool, one that would ravage any passing ships, no end in sight. The sheets are an unfamiliar texture against her back, the blanket is too thick and woolly, and there’s a creepy mannequin that appears to be glaring at her. 

Ben had told her earlier that day that his bedroom was right down the hall if she needed anything. The very same Ben who’d attempted to kiss her — twice — at his birthday party only three nights before, was currently letting her live with him, no strings attached, and had said she could come to him if she needed anything. She’s currently living with her former nemesis — _Jesus!_

It’s easier to think about the tactile physical things that bug her rather than the real reason that she can’t seem to fall asleep. Her mother had— no she’s not willing to go there yet, not willing to think about it.

Instead, she chooses to focus her mind on Kamala. Kamala who had a secret boyfriend. Kamala who she finally respects and thinks of as cool. Kamala who apparently (and Devi never knew this before) feels so strongly and loves (perhaps not loves, she had just broken up with Steve) so deeply that she is willing to defy her family.

A love worth defying for is what all the great novels and films and TV shows emphasize. (Not just the great TV shows, Devi notes, thinking of her trash favourite Riverdale which also emphasizes this trope with Jughead and Betty’s relationship.) 

Devi has always wanted a love story like that. One that will let her rebel. She wants the thrill of sneaking around and breaking all the rules to be with a person who is willing to drop absolutely everything for her. She wants the mystique of a forbidden romance (her brain sternly reminds her, in a voice that sounds suspiciously like Ben Gross, that forbidden romances in literature almost always end badly, _shut up, brain._ )

The craziest thing is, now Devi has a chance at the forbidden romance she so much desires. She’s gone from fearing that no one could ever want to be with her, to having two people interested in her. 

First, there is Paxton, who’d rescued her after she’d fallen into a pool then kissed her when she’d been babbling like an idiot. The kiss was dreamy, of course, not many people get to share their first kiss with the guy they’ve repeatedly called the man of their dreams. She’s been crushing on him (or more accurately obsessed with him) for god knows long and now it seems like he is reciprocating her feelings. But then her goddamn mother, who she is mad at for more reasons than she can count, screwed up any future she may have had with him.

Then, there is the more complicated issue of the boy who’s guest room she is currently trying to fall asleep in. Ben has hated her and she has hated him since grade school. Their relationship has never been an example of “little boy pulls little girl’s hair” because their relationship has always been mutually combative and antagonistic.

But she’d seen a different side of him the night her mother had invited him over for dinner. A side that is caring, and compassionate, and kind, and has the same aching loneliness she once thought only she feels. Despite having known Ben Gross for years, she’s only recently learned that there are more facets to him then entitled rich jackass. Worse, she _likes_ those other facets of Ben, more than she cares to admit. They formed a tentative friendship and Devi realized she quite liked talking to Ben, he was a surprisingly good listener.

And then there was the night of his party where he’d tried to kiss her twice, only for her to reject him both times. The first out of shock and confusion, more than anything else, the second upon reminding him that he had a girlfriend. _Lucky, stupid Shira._ He apologized for that already, citing alcohol as the culprit, but Devi knows that there was no way that the lightly alcoholic punch he served at his party is enough to blame. He must somehow have real romantic feelings for her.

The idea is ridiculous, she and Ben have been at each other’s throats since the first grade, interlocked in constant, neverending competition. But as her rival, Ben knows her better than anyone, he’d known not to pity her when she’d lost her father, the way everyone else did. He’d known that continued competition was exactly what she needed, the only way she’d been able to escape her grief. (And granted never before today would Devi consider that he did this out of the kindness of his heart, her current circumstances were making her reevaluate that judgement). 

Perhaps the idea of a romance arising between two former rivals isn’t that farfetched. A rival knows what makes their opponent tick, which is why they’re so evenly matched in the first place. Besides, one of Devi’s favourite fictional romances, Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables, started out with fierce competition and rivalry.

Paxton on the other hand, she barely knows. Sure he’s hot, probably the hottest boy in SoCal, but she doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know her, that isn’t exactly the strongest foundation for a relationship.

But she can’t want something romantic with Ben, not here and not now, when she’s already turned him down twice and he’s been so kind to let her stay with him when she had nowhere else to turn.

Devi rubs her eyes and rolls over annoyed she still can’t force her brain to shut up. She sits up, knowing she is never going to fall asleep in this bed, and checks her phone. It’s 2:30 am, which means she’s been lying restless for the past 2 hours, ugh. 

Before she can properly evaluate what she’s doing, she steps out of the guest room and into the hall. She walks down to the room Ben had pointed out to be his when he’d given her a proper tour this afternoon. Before she can chicken out or cower away, slinking back to the guest room for what she knows will be a restless night, she raises her hand to the door of Ben’s bedroom and knocks.

He answers the door quickly, his eyes bleary with sleep, and Devi immediately feels badly knowing she woke him. “Devi, hi.” She stands frozen as he scans her expression. “Are you alright?”

She’s not and she knows that he must know that by just looking at her, but he’s still considerate to ask. She only feels the tears in her eyes then, wet, hot and humiliating. 

Ben’s face falls in concern and he rests his hand on her arm. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Devi shakes her head and sniffles, and god this is embarrassing, Ben is probably the last person she ever wanted to break down in tears in front. “I can’t sleep,” she mumbles, her voice quiet and small. The usually assertive and blunt Devi Vishwakumar has been reduced to a puddle of internal turmoil and fear.

Ben pushes his door open more slightly and gestures for her to come in and she does, stepping silently over the threshold between the hallway and his room.

Ben shuts the door behind her and steps towards his bed. He sits on the right side of his bed, where the sheets are already mussed up. Ben pats the other side of his bed and Devi takes a few steps forward before hesitating. “Relax, David,” Ben says through his yawn, “I’m not gonna take advantage of you or anything.”

He’s smiling at her so softly, she feels safe and secure, so Devi takes several steps forward and sits down on the free side of his bed. “I just can’t get my brain to shut up,” she sighs.

Ben looks at her sympathetically and places his hand on her shoulder before jerking away. “Sorry,” he mumbles, clearly flustered, “I didn’t mean to touch you.”

Devi shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she says and feels comforted when Ben rests his steady hand on her shoulder yet again. His touch is feather-light and calming.

They sit in silence, not one filled with awkwardness, but one that’s almost comforting. Devi feels guilty breaking it, but she’s blurting out words before she can stop herself. “I just feel so, _so_ alone right now, like no one in this world wants me or… loves me…”

“Hey,” Ben says running his hand down her arm, “you’ve still got me, Devi.”

She leans into him and she hears his breath catch, but then he pulls her closer. She sighs and just breathes, tension escaping of her with every breath.

She wraps her arms around his solid frame and presses her nose into his neck, breathing him in. Ben returns the action, arms winding around her back to hold her tightly. She can feel the drum of his heart against her chest and knows her heart, too, is beating faster than she would like to acknowledge. 

They readjust their positions so they’re both laying down, still wrapped comfortably in each other’s arms. She’s still crying a bit and feels bad for ruining whatever fancy designer brand pyjamas he’s wearing. And yet, it’s here, wrapped up in his arms that she feels less scared and stressed than she’s felt in a long time.

It’s to the steady rhythm of his breathing that she finally shuts off her brain and falls asleep.

* * *

5.

Devi makes it her new mission to be a better friend. After spreading her father’s ashes yesterday, she’s started a lot of things: making amends with her mother, more healthily processing her grief, and taking her therapist’s advice by writing down her feelings in a journal. As much as she hates to admit it, it helps a lot. Despite a lengthy discussion after dinner about the intention to have a much more open relationship, there still are things she can’t quite say to her mother, things she can’t quite say to anyone, really. But an inability to say them doesn’t translate to an inability to feel them. Devi decides that these thoughts still need to be purged and writing is as good a catharsis as any.

While she has Fabiola and Eleanor’s forgiveness (they’d been willing to extend the first olive branch to convince her to spread her dad’s ashes), she knows she owes them more. She owes them a real apology for starters, so that’s the first order of business when she’s dressed and put together that Saturday morning. 

Devi remembers Fabiola and Eleanor saying that they’d call tomorrow, but decides since the two of them took the first step in mending their relationship, it’s only fair that she takes the next. She shoots a text to their group chat.

**The Fab Three**

Devi

Hey, do you guys want to meet up today?

10:15

Eleanor

That’d be fun! I can show you both the newest musical bootleg I’ve downloaded

10:17

Devi

...Sure… 

Fab, do you want to meet up as well?

10:18

Fabiola

Sounds good, so long as I can invite Gears Brosnan

Also, Eve is gonna swing by at the end cause we have a date!

10:18

Devi

My house, 11:30?

10:19

Eleanor

I’ll be there! I hope you ladies are ready for some show tunes!

10:20

Fabiola

I’ll be there too and we always are El :)

10:21

Devi shuts off her phone and bustles downstairs to grab some breakfast, leftover pancakes from dinner, before her friends arrive.

“I’ve decided to put a pause on the plan to move to India,” her mom says, passing Devi her plate. “It would certainly be harder for you to get into Princeton if your academic performance slips due to the stress of a big move.”

While her mother is giving the most logical reason for her change in plans, Devi knows that deep down there’s an emotional component to her decision. _She must have meant it when she said she didn’t want to fight anymore._

“Thank you,” Devi says, between bites of pancakes.

Nalini nods and offers a slight smile and Devi feels lighter than she’s felt in a long time. She still misses her father and she thinks grief will always be a small part of her, but his absence is no longer a gaping hole. His absence from their dining table no longer manifests itself as an ache in her chest, but rather she can fondly look back on their time together.

She hears several knocks on her front door that she knows belong to her best friends and jumps up from her seat. She makes her way to the door and steps outside and to meet Eleanor and Fabiola, Fabiola holding Gears Brosnan. 

Devi sits down on the steps leading up to her house and pats the area next to her. Eleanor takes a seat on her left side, while Fabiola sits down on Devi’s right.

Devi takes each of their hands in her own. “Guys, I have been the worst friend lately.”

Fabiola gives a soft smile and squeezes her hand. “We’ve already forgiven you, Devi.”

“Yeah,” Eleanor adds, “you’re our friend and we know this past year has been really hard for you.”

Devi shakes her head. “No, please you guys, I need to say this.”

Fabiola and Eleanor both nod and Devi exhales shakily. She turns to Fabiola first, gripping her hand tightly. “Fab,” she starts, “I am so sorry I wasn’t more supportive of you when you came out. Doing that required so much bravery and courage and I was so distracted with my own drama that I didn’t even really acknowledge that.” She swallows. “The truth is, I admire you so damn much, you’re one of the smartest people I know and you’re definitely the bravest.”

“Thank you, Devi,” Fabiola responds, separating their joined hands to wrap her in a hug. “I really appreciate that.”

Devi turns to Eleanor next. “El, I’m really sorry about everything with your mom.” She draws in another shaky breath. “I am ridiculously sorry that I stupidly chose Paxton over you, especially when I had just promised to be a better friend. Who does something like that?” She gives a wry laugh. “You’re such a phenomenally talented actress and you’re gonna be the best star Sherman Oaks High’s school play has ever seen.”

She addresses both Fabiola and Eleanor now. “I wasn’t there for both of you when you needed me most and I truly am sorry, even with what I was going through, there’s no justification for the way I treated you.”

“Oh, Devi,” Eleanor sighs, hugging Devi tightly. “Forgiveness is the mightiest sword, forgiveness is the simplest vow.”

Devi gives Eleanor a confused glare and arches an eyebrow. 

“What? It’s from the Jane Eyre musical, one of my two new musical obsessions?”

Devi simply laughs wrapping an arm around both El and Fab. “I love you guys so much.”

“We love you too, Devi,” they repeat in unison.

They spend the next hour chatting, laughing, and catching up. Fabiola updates them both on the pursuits of the robotics club (‘with just a bit more effort, we’re definitely on track to win a medal at the state championships’) and Eleanor, on-brand as ever, practices her lines for the school play interspersed with spontaneous show tunes singing (‘my second new musical obsession is Come From Away,’ she clarifies before belting out something Devi assumes based on lyrical repetition is called “Me and the Sky”)

It’s only in this moment that Devi realizes how much she’s missed this. Spending time with her friends, not reducing herself to someone she’s not for the chance at superficial popularity, and not putting up a facade to try and impress someone. She feels freer and more herself than she’s ever felt. She’s like a detonating supernova, once a massive star confined by pressure and gravity, but now free to expand, expand, expand. Nothing in the universe can stop Devi Vishwakumar and she challenges it to try.

Minutes later, Devi catches sight of a familiar figure approaching her house, the blonde girl from their history class. “Eve!” Fabiola calls out with a wave, before jumping to her feet and running to meet her.

Devi watches the two embrace with a tight hug followed by a small peck. Fabiola takes Eve’s hand and returns to where Devi remains sitting with Eleanor. “Devi,” she says, giving a grin reminiscent of pure sunshine, “this is my girlfriend, Eve.”

Eve offers a shy wave and Devi smiles in return. “We have a lunch date,” Fabiola says before pressing a quick kiss to Eve’s cheek. Eve chuckles and blushes then lifts her and Fabiola’s joined hands to her lips.

Devi watches the exchange between them and feels her heart twinge. The casual affection, the way Fabiola seems endlessly, eternally happier in her girlfriend’s presence. Devi wishes she had something like that. It’s far from the first time she’s had this thought, the desire for a relationship has been a part of her for as long as she can remember. The difference now is, she doesn’t want a relationship to distract herself from her grief, she wants one for the best thing it can offer her: companionship.

She wants someone who will look at her the way Fabiola and Eve look at each other. She wants someone who just the presence of will make her eyes light up and her heart soar. She wants someone who she can turn to with any fears or doubts and who can talk her down. She wants an equal, a partner, someone who she can devote herself to unwaveringly. (And while the most superficial reason, she feels a little left out as the only one in her trio without a romantic partner.)

Devi sighs and pulls her phone out of her pocket, opening her messages app. As a name catches her attention, she realizes she could so easily have all those things she wants.

She hasn’t been in contact with Ben since they kissed, not even to pick up her stray belongings that remain in the guest room of his house. They only pulled apart yesterday at the sound of her mother knocking on the window. (If not for the interruption, Devi wonders if she ever would have been able to stop kissing him.) Her mom gave Ben a withering, slightly terrifying stare and Devi had opened the door of his car. She’d smiled shyly at him and mumbled, “I’ll text you,” before following her mother back to the car where Kamala was waiting. On the drive back, her mother had not mentioned what she’d seen. Devi supposed that she was trying to improve their relationship and not snapping about what she witnessed (but Devi assumed disapproved of) was a step in the right direction.

When they arrived home she was exhausted. A day at school, combined with the stress of almost not making it to Malibu, spreading her dad’s ashes, and kissing Ben had taken a lot out of her, so she’d immediately fallen asleep. Devi was only roused by her mother yelling that it was time for dinner, so she hadn’t had the chance to text Ben. Bleary-eyed and still exhausted, she ate dinner. Not much conversation exchanged, they were all far too tired. After dinner, her mother had hugged her and whispered the words Devi swore she’d been waiting for all her life (‘I’m proud of you.’). Half in tears, Devi wasn’t quite in a state of mind to text Ben. So she didn’t. And then she hadn’t this morning either, choosing to prioritize her best friends. She’d witnessed what happened when she’d chosen a boy over them once and she wasn’t willing to do that again.

But now, Devi keeps glancing back between Fabiola and Eve who are acting sickeningly adorable and staring at Ben's contact information on her phone. She needs to tell him how she feels, what she wants, and hope he feels the same. She needs to tell him that kissing him yesterday is at real as it gets for her, not some meaningless emotional high. She types out a message to Ben on her phone and before she can hesitate a moment longer she sends it.

**Ben**

Do you want to meet up later today?

1:05

He responds so quickly, Devi wonders if he’s been waiting for her to text him all along.

**Ben**

I’d love to

1:05

* * *

+1

Devi Vishwakumar finally has it all. Perfect grades, a padded list of extracurriculars, a much-improved relationship with her mother, and the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Someone real and solid and good who’s always been there for her, even when she was too preoccupied or enraged to notice. It feels amazing to finally feel the romantic love she’s watched bloom around her, all her life, finally be directed towards her, finally radiating from her.

She notices Ben smiling at her, that dopey, smitten smile she knows he reserves for her, and feels him poke her between the ribs. “Hey, David.” She snaps back into focus. “Did you hear what I asked you?”

Slightly embarrassed, Devi shakes her head and Ben laughs. They’re both seated on his largest couch, studying together for tests they have tomorrow. Devi for an anatomy test and Ben for one in psychology.

“I asked,” Ben says, shuffling the set of flashcards she’d handed him earlier when he’d agreed to a study date, “what is the function of the Substantia Nigra?”

Devi bites her lip, the answer having briefly slipped her mind before remembering, “it controls reward-related behaviours.”

Ben nods his head and Devi breathes out a sigh of relief. “See, David? You haven’t gotten a single question incorrect, you’re gonna ace this test as usual.”

“There’s just so much to memorize!” Devi exclaims. She hasn’t been this nervous for a test in a long time, but this anatomy course is tough, neuroanatomy the hardest unit, and the test a fair portion of her final mark. 

“Hey.” Ben takes her hand and a sense of calm falls over her. She feels warm and safe, as if she’s being soothed by a cup of hot cocoa on a frigid day. “You’re going to do amazing and you know it.” He uses his free hand to stroke her cheek and she sighs contentedly. “Can you quiz me now though? We’ve spent the past hour preparing for your test when I also have one tomorrow.”

Devi grips his hand tighter and smiles. “Is that why you’re reassuring me? So we can move on to studying for your test?” she teases.

Ben laughs again. Devi has known for a long time that she loves his laugh, but she loves it even more when she incites it. He tilts his head to the side, a smirk colouring his face. “Well… maybe just a little bit.”

Devi laughs in return and presses a quick kiss to his cheek. He blushes and she chuckles again, warmth steadily filling her. Ben hands her his set of cue cards and she picks a random one from the middle. “What are the four types of social behaviour?”

“Cooperation, altruism, selfishness, and spite,” Ben responds, counting out the answers on his fingers. He smirks at her again. “Of course, I still don’t think altruism exists, but I digress.”

“We are not getting into that again,” Devi objects, waving her hands and shaking her head as she remembers a rather long argument they’d had on the subject. 

“Yeah, I know, I can never convince you I’m right.”

“Just as I can never convince you.”

Devi picks out another random card from the pile and clears her throat. “Define habituation.”

“You never told me if I was right,” Ben replies.

“Sorry?”

“The previous question, you never said whether I was right or not.”

“Ben,” Devi says with an exasperated, yet affectionate sigh, “you and I both know that you know you’re right.” She cups his cheek in the palm of her hand. “Now, answer the other question.”

“A decrease in response to a stimulus after a repeated or prolonged presentation of that particular stimulus.”

Devi knows he’s correct and there’s no need to check, but because Ben is looking at her with wide expectant eyes, she flips over the cue card to humour him. “Correct.”

Ben lets out a sigh of relief. “See?” Devi places his stack of cue cards on the end table next to the couch. “You’re going to do amazing. You’re probably gonna end up with like a 99 on this test.”

Ben scoffs. “A 99 isn’t 100, David.”

“Fine, you’re gonna end up with a 100, happy?”

Ben smiles and his eyes soften, his expression morphing to the one he wears whenever he wants to kiss her. “I am happy,” Ben replies, his voice suddenly gentle, “because you’re here.”

“Ben,” Devi says with a playful yet affectionate eye-roll, “that’s cheesy as hell.”

“I know,” he tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “you’re worth it though,” he says, pulling her towards him.

He kisses her so softly, so gently, that it’s surprising that there’s so much meaning behind it. It astounds Devi that after four months of dating and many, many kisses, one kiss is still enough to make her feel hazy and giddy after he pulls away. His hand remains caressing her cheek, and this moment feels as right as any.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Ben repeats looking at her, eyes filled with both affection and anticipation.

“I uh—” She clears her throat and swallows. “I love you, Ben.”

He’s silent and his mouth drops slightly open and Devi feels dread in the pit of her stomach. “Fuck, I’m sorry— I mean we’ve only been together for four months… I... uh… God, I’m making myself look like such an idiot and I—”

Ben places a finger over her lips to shush her. “Devi.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re rambling,” he grins, not the way he smiles when he beats her on an assignment, but the way he smiles when he’s blissfully happy. “I love you too.”

He kisses her again, a bit messily through his smile, but Devi stills melts into it.

Sometimes it astounds her that the boy she spent years fostering a mutual hatred for is now one of the people she loves and wants more than anyone in the world, but he is. And despite still being filled with adrenaline and nerves about her upcoming test, Devi doesn’t think she’s ever been happier.

**Author's Note:**

> The questions I had Devi and Ben quiz each other with are all stuff I learned in my Intro Psych course from first year, for anyone whose curious!


End file.
